Twas Just weeks before Christmas
And all through our house,
There were enough bums a-farting
to gas a wee mouse.
The air freshener was sprayed
through the house with such care,
As the smell of those farts
Was too much too bare.
Yep I promised you a post on farts and excessive gas and I am here to deliver in one foul smog.
I do not know what is going on in our house at the moment, but the smells and rumbles that are rocking every corner of this abode, are nothing short of lethal.
Now I love me a good squeaker every now and then, and I am not too prim and proper to admit that there is something incredibly satisfying about merrily letting one rip. But the gas bombs are seriously out of control at the moment around here and worse still, my house of men think it is hilarious and are incredibly proud of any fart that results in a room evacuation.
The other day I stopped into the petrol station with my 4 year old Flynn on the way home from kindy.
As I was waiting in line, I accidentally let out a muffled squeak from my own bum.
Now I addressed this in the cool clam and collected way I normal reserve for embarrassing moments like this .... I rubbed my shoes along the ground in desperate hope of replicating the sound that came from my bum and thus being able to them smile confidently at those within ear shot of my bum burp and blame it on my shoes on the squeaky floor.
I raised my leg to begin my ritual when Flynn roared with laughter and at the top of his voice exclaimed "Mum YOU FARTED!".
If the others around me had missed the joy of my embarrassment the first time, they could now relish in my utter mortification.
Every night I lie in bed and listen to the lullabies of the musical bums that echo throughout the top floor of our house. Occasionally I join in the chorus with my own sweet soprano squeaks. But man our dogs bum are proving to be totally tone deaf. They just blast out a random bass that adds nothing to the symphony, but is highly toxic to breathe.
There is etiquette I am proud to say in our home, when it comes to farting.
Our family follow these few basic rules.
- Fair warning of an impending rumble is usually given via the offering of a finger to pull.
- One must always aim their farts down wind unless it is intentionally directed at someone in retaliation for a careless miss fire from another.
- If farts are required when in bed, it is the responsibility of the farter to flap the sheets to adequately air out the gas and if necessary exit the bed to spray the apple and cinnamon air fresher conveniently located close to hand.
- It is expected that all family members will provide the right amount of praise and admiration for a fart that exceeds a 6 on the farting Richter scale.
- The owner of the fart must take ownership and not blame it on the dog.
- A polite excuse me at the finale is required to satisfy the frustrated and slightly green ONLY female in the house.
So there you have it, a very smelly start to Christmas in our house, and we haven't even been eating lots of beans.
If anyone is thinking of what to buy me for Christmas, air freshener would be high on my wish list. And now you understand why I am obsessed with sweet smelling candles and room diffusers.
Fart a La La La, La La La La!
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