A Week INSIDE My Head - My thoughts, My life, UNFILTERED. Day 3 | Life Love and Hiccups: A Week INSIDE My Head - My thoughts, My life, UNFILTERED. Day 3

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

A Week INSIDE My Head - My thoughts, My life, UNFILTERED. Day 3

Pin It I didn't kiss Kai goodbye before he went to school this morning, we were so rushed and I was cranky at him for being mean to one of his brothers. I hate mornings like that and now I'll spend all day wondering if he knows how much I love him. I need to tell Carl more often too. I'm such a crappy wife sometimes and I get so self absorbed. He's so patient and kind and helpful and thoughtful and I don't tell him enough the one thing I know he wants to hear from me.

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I just looked at the photo of me on today's post and I look so old and tired. Those big bags under my eyes are telling me I need to get more sleep, but I need more hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Sometimes I literally feel like I am suffocating with how much I need to do in a day and I just want to hide away in a little ball somewhere and forget about all responsibility...but I don't have time to be a ball... to much to do.  I have to empty the dishwasher before I start work and fill out Flynn's forms.

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The old guy in the nursing home behind our house is baaing like a sheep again. I like the way it sounds because when I close my eyes I can almost imagine I am in the countryside and not sitting at my desk working. I think I'll make a coffee and go and sit outside and listen to him for a little while and pretend I am on a little coastal farm for a while. It would be nice if he would make some other sounds to mix it up. A little mooing would be good.

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I can't help but wonder about this mornings post. I promised myself I wont check stats and I wont look at any comments until tonight when I finish work. I am so scared everyone hates it and this is a stupid idea. Oh God what was I thinking? Too late now, I'm committed to this and I am kind of hoping I will learn a thing or two about myself in this exercise. One day I'll look back on this and laugh and  realise I'm a bigger nutter than I ever imagined. Oh Shit, what if one day by a freak miracle I become famous for something and someone drags up this post. Crap .... I hadn't thought about that. I can't believe I am even worried about that as the chances of me being famous are slim. I wonder if Julia Gillard ever wrote a blog?

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I'm wearing my loose pants today, they are too big for me now and I really should give them away to Vinnies. But I like the way they make me feel and I feel skinnier than I know I really look when I wear them. I like the way I need to keep pulling them up. Maybe I'll just buy clothes that are 2 sizes to big so I feel good about myself all the time. I'm such a dork.

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I just listened to someone have a big rant and rave about something I disagree with and I didn't say what I was really thinking. I hate that about me. Sometimes I think I sit on the fence too much. I have a big dent in my bum from sitting there. I have opinions, actually I have some really strong ones, but I am afraid of putting myself out there sometimes. I don't want to offend anyone so I just shut up and smile. I hate that about myself, I hate the dent in my bum and I'm envious of those who aren't afraid to say what they think and stand up for what they believe in. The funny things is I have no problem speaking up on behalf of my boys and Carl and family and friends. But when it comes to something that only affects me or my opinion, I'm pretty much gutless most of the time.



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I just watched some video of myself and I feel like crying because I hate the way I look in it. My ass is so big and I could see my undies through my dress which means everyone that day knew I was wearing white grandma style undies. The picture I have in my head of myself is so much nicer than the reality. I think the picture in my head is more me at about 20 years old rather than approaching 39. It feels like time has just sped by me and he years have gone and I have just let them go. I wish I could have back some of the hours from the past. I would take more notice of them and enjoy them more and appreciate them for how precious and fleeting they were.

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I can hear the kids laughing as they eat their dessert. I'm really pissed off  that I am still sitting here in my office working and they are out there having fun. I don't resent my job, just my inability to say no when it comes to taking on more work as with everything in my life..... I suck at saying no. I also resent I haven't won lotto yet. I made jelly in cute cups for the kids tonight as a surprise. I saw these little sundae cups at Woolies and they just reminded me of when I was a kid myself. We used to have these really long spoons and I used to eat Milo out of a cup with them. Actually I used to use them to eat Milo straight out of the tin too. I love the sound Flynn makes when he laughs, he sounds like a Woody woodpecker and it always makes me smile. I love those guys so much and I am mad at myself for breaking my promise to them that I wont work outside of normal work hours and take time away from them. I have to get this work done though......I'll make it up to them and Carl.


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I found out a woman I know has Breast cancer today. That scares me shitless. She was so brave when I was talking to her on the phone and I cant help but sit here and try to imagine the fear she must have in her heart at the moment. I just checked my breasts in the shower. I hate doing it and I do it with my eyes closed like that is going to make it less scary if I was to find a lump. Thankfully I think I'm all good I think. I'm going to set up a reminder on my iPad to check monthly as I am really too complacent when it comes to this.

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I'm crying again but for such awesome reasons. I am so touched and blown away at the same time by the texts and the emails and the comments I have received today about this little project of mine. I was so scared everyone was going to hate it and think I'm really stupid and my thoughts are just too weird to comprehend. There is one email in particular that touched me, from someone I do not know or have ever connected with online or offline before. She says that she can relate to my fears about the universe taking away the ones she loves as punishment for her not being a good person and that she lies awake at night worrying about it. I know that feeling, that fear. I'm sure she is a good person, I can tell by her words and the sincerity and honesty in the way she has written to me. Her email and all the others as well as the comments have humbled me and I once again I am so amazed how blogging can make the world a much smaller place, how words on a website can connect people who wouldn't have otherwise ever connected.

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I'm tired and I just want to switch off my brain and watch some trash, but I am feeling guilty. I haven't replied to any comments on my blog for the past few days and I haven't visited and commented on some of my favourite blogs. I hope they don't think I have forgotten about them or am ignoring them. I cant help but laugh at the absurdity of the way I can find something to feel guilty about in pretty much anything. I wonder if other bloggers feel the same way, if they worry that they haven't commented on someones blog for a few days. You kind of feel like you are letting a friend down. I haven't replied to any email in my blog inbox, I hope no one is pissed of with me. Shit I forgot to pack the kids lunch boxes, fill out Flynn's Baptism forms and take the dog for a walk.....again.

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I didn't get all my thoughts down today cause I was so absorbed in my work. I forgot to take any photos and for the Feb Photo a day challenge again. I forgot to write about how agitated I was with the computer technician and the million and one phone calls that kept coming in when I was trying to get stuff done. I also forgot to mention how I wondered for a while if my headache could be a brain tumour.

Its 1.15am in the morning and I can't sleep and I have never been more aware of how many thoughts pass through my mind on a daily basis, than I am now. It's exhausting giving those thoughts so much energy by stopping them in my head long enough to convert them into written words. It also means keeping some of those thoughts in my head for longer than I would normally allow. I need to learn to meditate, I saw some really cool Yoga pants the other day I could wear while I'm doing it.