Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Could You of At Least Bought Me a Drink First ... or Dimmed The Lights!

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Photo courtesy of some poor girl sharing her very intimate moment...
in other words I have no idea where the image is from! Please don't sue me, I'm a little fragile at the moment. 
I would like her legs though!

It was biopsy day yesterday. Some special time with my Gyno AND my husband. Yes I took my hubby with me. I was incredibly nervous and well we pretty much do these type of things together, you know for better or worse and all that.

Both of us have very clear roles to play in these situations.

I kind of freak out and get teary, ask a million questions and then spend the rest of the appointment staring at walls.

He holds my hand, keeps the mood calm and listens to the bits that I don't hear whilst I am super busy blanking out. Team work right?

Though I have to say my gyno was a little surprised by the presence of my husband yesterday. Not so much him coming into the office with me, more the part where he followed me into the treatment room.

"Oh Okay you are going to join us then?" he enquired of my husband.

"I just do as I am told Doc" was my hubby's response.

I pipe up with "Nothing he hasn't seen before like a zillion times right *weak laugh*........ well um obviously" yes it was my lame attempt at humour under pressure.

*Crickets*

"Its a bit foreign but we will just work with it" said my very patient doc.

Happy with his response, I plonked myself on the table and assumed my position.


Now the irony was not lost on me. I had spent all night worrying amongst other things that the garden may be a little um overgrown down there. I haven't had a wax job in like ....... I haven't EVER had a wax job. I am more of a DIY gardener type if you know what I mean.

But the man I would normally be trying to impress was sitting at my side, holding my hand and telling me I'm doing well whilst another man was at the business end of things. First of all I was lying there thinking to myself OF COURSE I am doing well. There is really not a lot of effort involved in lying there with your bits on display and second of all This is so NOT the two men type of situation most woman fantasize about.

I feel sorry for male Gynos and Obstetricians. Doctors usually evoke a certain air of sophistication. You know handsome Doctor, incredibly sexy and intelligent brain and all that. Yet when Gynos and Obstetricians swagger through the doors of the local coffee shop, all the woman shut their legs iron tight and stare into their coffee. Ripped off much? How many years did you study for?

I do believe that Gynos could put in a little more effort into making the whole experience a little more romantic and um special for us gals. Burn some candles, play some Sade, Dim the lights and all that. Heck offer me a martini and I'll leap on that bed for you. I may even do more than just think about visiting the waxing salon.

Now I am not even going to expand upon the ridiculousness (is so a word) of a Male Gyno telling you as they prepare to take a chunk of your cervix for a sample, that this isn't going to hurt at all. Ummm helloooo - Please explain to me exactly HOW do you know that? Tried it much lately?

I cant help but wonder what Gynos talk to their partners about at the end of the day.
"How was your day huni?"
"Well you should have seen the state of the first Vag ....."
"Oh man it was a Jungle down out there today...."

 OK lets not go there.

What about sexy time? How does the wife or girlfriend of a Gyno make her um lady bits look a little special or unique so they are more memorable than the dozens of other lady bits her partner has seen that day?
Is there a criteria for good looking lady bits?

Whilst I am ever so grateful for these wonderful men and woman and all the fabulous work they do to keep our galleys in shipshape for us, I can't help but wonder if they ever considered just how unsexy that job may be when they were filling out their uni applications.

But Proctologists really got the bum end of the deal didn't they! They get to hang out with nothing but assholes all day. What were THEY thinking? Did someone swap their uni application as a prank?

Disclaimer* Whilst I am joking about all of this please know I DO NOT take any of this lightly. I am very grateful for all the wonderful Doctors who look after all body parts. I am just crapping my pants at the moment and humour gets me through my day. Whatever works for you right?