Don't be fooled by the photo of a beautiful bathroom above. Today's post isn't anywhere near as classy.
OK I have a question and yes I am completely serious about wanting you to answer me - if you dare.
So here goes....
Do you or have you, ever done a wee when you are on the phone to someone?
Alright, just to show I am a good sport (or a completely classless moron - you can choose), I'll go first.
I have done it twice in the past month.
The first time was when I was on the phone to my mum (sorry Mum), we were chatting - most likely about some very important stuff like a gorgeous house in the latest editions of H&G. To be honest I have no idea what we were discussing because I was busting and well, I needed to go so I just went!
The second time I committed this awful social crime was a little more cringe worthy and I do not want to admit who I was speaking to in case it damages any remaining shred of credibility that I haven't already destroyed through the paragraph above.
Once again I was amid a very important conversation AND I was running late for school pick up - both very valid excuses. I fully intended on carrying on the conversation whilst I was in the car on the way to school, but my bladder decided it needed some attention before I left. Now let's be very clear, when I say it needed some attention I actually mean like URGENTLY, like I had been holding on all day and my bladder was going to explode if I waited a moment longer.
And so I made a pre-departure dash to the bathroom .... with my phone still to my ear.
Now I wasn't so thoughtless or foolish this time. I stuffed the toilet bowl full of loo paper so that any ummmmm trickles would be cushioned .... muffled .... disguised .... whatever you want to call it.
As I was quickly going about my prep work, the other person on the phone asked why I was suddenly so echoey. I told her I was in the kitchen and that the acoustics were very loud in here. I may have even started singing "Don't you Worry Child" to prove my point about the acoustics.
Things were getting urgent now and my poor old bladder just doesn't have the patience it used to have pre kids, so I quit lining the bowl with paper, took my seat and tried to very quietly let it out.
Clearly I didn't use enough toilet paper in the bowl.
"Sonia - What on Earth are you doing now"? My phone partner inquired in a tone a little more frustrated than her usual tone she uses with me.
"Well I'm trying to wee super quietly onto a pile of toilet paper so you don't know I am a completely classless twat" ...... I didn't say!
Talking very loud to try and drown out the background noise; "I'm just pouring a coffee to take with me for the school run" I
"It's decaf so I wont stay awake all night..... I got it from Aldi, its really good".
Seriously - what was with the freaking Decaf bit?
Do Aldi even sell Decaf?
I am the worst liar ever and when I tell a lie I cannot keep it simple ..... nooooooo I have to go and elaborate with completely baneless information.
I don't know if she believed me or not - regretfully my efforts were pretty lame and I have now been suitably shamed into never attempting to multi task in such a manner again.
By the way did you know that the lyrics to 'Don't you Worry Child' don't say;
"Don't you worry, Don't you worry child,"
"Sienna's got a plan for you".
Geez and here I was all this time thinking Sienna was pretty damn awesome to have a plan for all of us when it was Heaven all along.
Do you even know what I'm talking about or am I making myself look like even more of a tool?
OK So - Have you ever? Would you ever? Truthfully now.......