Photo of Kai by I Love My Family | Family Photography Sydney
Sometimes I think I am weirder than I actually give myself credit for.
I mean I have always known I was pretty much only one or two neurotic tendencies short a certifiable admission to a padded cell, but sometimes I shock even myself with where I let my mind go to.
This weekend my oldest son is playing in a representative Rugby team in Forbes, five and a half hours away from where we live. I was supposed to go away with him, just the two of us, on a mother and son road trip of sorts.
I was a little nervous driving all that way as my legs kind of suck when it comes to long distance driving, so when Carl piped up with his concerns about me driving, and then offered to take the time off work and make the trip a father and son journey instead of a mother and son one, I gladly accepted.
So now I am sitting here typing away on my computer, listening to the rain and ferociously missing some key members of my family. And although my legs are grateful that Carl made the trek instead of me, if I'm totally honest, the fact that they have gone away without me has opened up a whole new set of worries for me to feed on.
You see for some reason, my mind likes to take itself off on its own little journeys and I have no say in where it goes. And sometimes, the places it goes to are so dark and awful that I physically have to slap myself to break the train of thought.
As I write this I am very much in need of such a slapping.
Besides being exceptionally good at being weird, I am also incredibly talented when it comes to worrying and given that two of my most precious people in the world are going to spend hours driving over the next few days, my worrying has gone into overdrive - pardon the driving pun.
I mean what if something happens to them?
What if there are idiots on the road? Or ice? Ice can be very dangerous and... nope I'm more worried about the idiots.
God forbid they have an accident and ...
I can't go there.
Even though my mind wants to, but I am going to stand my ground and I'm not letting it...
But what if?
So then I start thinking totally over the top with things like - if anyone is going to be killed in an accident, it should be me and not them. Kai is too young and Carl is too fabulous and quite frankly and totally selfishly I don't want to be the one left behind to grieve.
They go on a simple weekend away and I am thinking of songs for funerals.
I do weird very well don't I?
Perhaps a little too well.
I have no answer or no explanation for why I am how I am. I know I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened, but try as I might, sometimes I just can't help it.
Someone once told me, it is natural for mothers to feel this way. But I want to know - Is it?
Do you worry about things like this too?
You know, things that are completely out of your control and the chances of happening are actually (hopefully, touch wood) fairly slim?
Does your mind ever wander to places that are boarded up with big DO NOT ENTER warning signs?