Vote for my fabulous Jazz Hands!
So last night I made a decision of such ginormous magnitude that even I was surprised by my own ambition.
You see I have decided that damn it, I should be the new freaking Prime Minister of Australia.
Wait.... just hear me out.
As we were going about our usual evening activities, you know - attempting to pull together some ingredients to make something I could possibly pass off as dinner, and the kids pretending to do their homework whilst trying their hardest to convince me that Pokemon catalogues and Football cards are legitimate home reading material. In the middle of all that mundaneness, one of my squidgens pipes up with a question that throws me completely off course and coincidentally sets my rusty old cogs in motion.
He innocently asked "Mum, who are we going to vote for in the election?"
And that my folks was the sound of one gigantic jar of WTF being opened up.
The problem is I have no idea how to answer that question as I honestly don't have any flipping idea WHO I am going to vote for, because quite frankly I cant stand any of my options.
Now if you are a stout lover of all things politically flavoured, you may not want to spend another precious minute reading this mindless dribble I am about to spew, as clearly this post has been written by a self confessed ignorama when it comes to politics.
And although I am aware that it is totally politically incorrect (pun intended) of me to admit to this, I have to tell you that politics bores the shit out of me whilst simultaneously makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against a brick wall in frustration.
My lack of interest most likely stems from being forced to watch these morons on my TV every night as they make shallow promises, make idiots of themselves kissing poor unsuspecting babies and and just generally laying the boot into each other at every given chance.
Mr Rudd and Mr Abbott, your ads don't make me want to vote for you... they make me pissed off that you are wasting so much money on TV ads where you compete to see who can cram the most slagging into a 30 second slot. Here's an idea .... how about putting that money towards actually helping someone or making a difference to Australian families!
Why did I choose to watch Australia's Got Talent over your political debate?
Because apart from the threat of my eyes glazing over and drowning in my own dribble that comes when I fall asleep listening to your drivel, watching the two of you argue and bicker like a bunch of 7 years olds actually frightens the shit out of me because one of you will be soon running our country. *shiver* That is enough to make me want to grab a fork and start digging a bomb shelter in my backyard and stockpile it with a thousand and one cans of farty beans.
If I really wanted to watch a couple of immature twats go at each other I would be better off locking myself in a cupboard with my 3 children and one lone chupa chup. I'm pretty sure their debate (aka punchups) over who should have the Chupa chup would make more sense than 60 minutes of watching you guys duck and dodge each others bitch slaps.
And come on now - do you really think we are that gullible that we cannot see through your pre election tactics?
Mr Rudd, your promise of making gay marriage legal is an absolute joke. This should have happened years ago and not just as part of your campaign promise to gain votes from a certain demographic. Oh and don't think we didn't notice that this was also the perfect way for you to stick your middle finger up at your Catholic rival.
Quit kissing babies and public ass, get some class about you and please PLEASE stop treating the Australian public like a bunch of gullible morons.
Look I may well be just an ignorant mum when it comes to the ins and outs of politics, but you can be damn sure that there is plenty more of my type out there who find it difficult to tolerate your bullshit and school yard bullying.
How do you plan on winning us over when clearly your brown tongues fail to turn us on?
So my son, who am I voting for? I'm voting for me.
I may have no idea about policies and legislation, but I can bake one hellava tasty Banana bread and when I kiss babies it is because my ovaries are actually oozing with whatever it is is they produce and I am just so damn clucky I just can't help myself.
Yes I may be a softy with an inability to say no and I quite possibly will let any refugee that arrives on our shores with a hostess gift in the form of a bottle of vodka not only stay, but I will make up a warm cosy bed and a hot water bottle for them.
I believe that same sex marriage is a right and not a political promise and I believe in putting our money behind better hospitals and education as well as supporting the lower and middle income families. I am passionate about supporting carers and our brothers and sisters with disabilities, as well as Aussie kids who are living out there on our streets.
I may avoid confrontation and arguments like I avoid sitting next to someone with severe halitosis, but what the hell is wrong with my dream of running a parliamentary debate over tea cake, crochet needles and caprioskas before holding hands and closing the session with a rousing rendition of Kumbaya?
So whaddya think? Want to vote for Sonia from Life Love and Hiccups for Prime Minister?
I'll personally make you a washi tape campaign button and name a cocktail after you, oh and I promise I wont interrupt the season final of Offspring with some annoying TV ad.