Where's My F***ing Ommmm? | Life Love and Hiccups: Where's My F***ing Ommmm?
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Thursday, 20 February 2014

Where's My F***ing Ommmm?

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Who knew that creating a more zen version of me, one with something called 'an inner stillness' would be so freaking hard to do?

I've read the books... Good LORD I have read so many of the books about enlightenment and the power of meditating and mindfulness and yadayada and it seemed so damn achievable to transform myself into someone a little more balanced. But let's face it, what the heck was I thinking when the reality is I have enough trouble keeping my balance on my own two feet and the only way I am ever still is when I'm in a carb induced coma.

I'm convinced the universe is trying to sabotage the relationship between me and my ommmm.

The week before last I tried floating in the pool with my eyes closed and focused solely on my breathing. I had Pravana Spa sounds from Bali blaring from the speakers and enough Sandalwood burning to make smoke signals.

For just a moment I thought I had it, I'd freaking nailed the being still / meditating / mindfulness thing. My senses were alive and I was completely present and in the moment until a duck flying overhead shat on me and in turn shat all over my ommmm. True story.

I have tried meditating at home with headphones on to block out all the surrounding noise and activity, but given I can't even go to the toilet by myself without kids or dogs banging on the door, I wasn't really surprised that it took all of about 5 minutes before my youngest started prying my eyes open with sticky fingers to ask me to make him a Nutella sandwich.

I have Yoga pants, actually I have at least 3 pairs that are super comfy thank you very much. But I cant do Yoga - partly because I am about as unco as you can get, my limbs bend to the right positions but don't bend back again AND I have a habit of farting when I'm relaxed which is kinda mortifying when you are in a quiet echoey room full of blissed up Yogies.

I've tried downloading some guided meditations onto my iPod and listening to them as I go to sleep.

On every single occasion something has happened to break my concentration - a child attempted to pee in the dog's bed and needed redirection, the dogs started barking at the possums outside my window, the husband broke the mood by pissing himself laughing and asking "What the F##k are you listening to?"... or the gentle tones of the female voice talking about white lights and warm healing water literally relaxed me to the point I was asleep and snoring within minutes.

Despite how hard I find this, the stubborn cow in me is refusing to give up and is insisting on becoming enlightened ... or at least lightened a little.

So now I'm turning to you for advice - do you meditate, know of any good apps or books or have any tips that will help me? 
My inner ommmm will be ever so grateful.