A Desperate Apology to My Fellow School Mums | Life Love and Hiccups: A Desperate Apology to My Fellow School Mums
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Wednesday, 15 October 2014

A Desperate Apology to My Fellow School Mums

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"Mum, what is a Virgin?"

I white knuckled the steering wheel and visibly froze in response to the question from the 9 year old in the back seat.

I quickly turned to my 13 year old sitting in the front seat next to me for a little direction, some moral support, just some kind of sign that he was going to help me out with this one.

Nothing coming.

Nothing but a whole lot of snot from his nose and tears from his eyes as he sat there snorting with laughter.

"Yeah, Mum what is a virgin?" the teenager asks me as I gave him the most evil mother look I could muster whilst the voices in my head screamed "BWAHAHAHA This is what your mother meant when she said "One day, you'll get yours Sonia. One Day!"

OK, so I wasn't going to get any help from the sniggering teenager. In fact he may as well have just opened the door to the lions and shoved me in for all the help he was.

I stalled for a moment as my mind raced...

I could say it is a type of drink that doesn't have any alcohol in it it. Like a mocktail!

I could say it's a type of super expensive olive oil.

I could say it's some girl called Mary, and then just leave his teachers to sort out the rest.

Or I could ring around to see if any local psychologists take payment plans as I'll be needing them in the future if I don't get this right.

I decided to go with the blunt truth.

"A virgin is someone who hasn't had sex yet" I replied in my best I am so mature and down with this voice.

"ohhhhhhhhh" says the 9 year old as he turns a incredibly unflattering shade of red and stares out the window.

"So Myles is Virgin?" pipes up the 7 year old.

"Ahhh yep I'm pretty sure he is" I say as I elbow the teenager who is now sinking into his seat and practically convulsing.

"And Beau and Harrison?" asks the kid who I am now wishing would just shutup or go back to talking about poo or snot or anything other than this subject.

"Yes, they would all most definitely be one Flynn" comes my response.

"Coooooooool, wait till I tell them at school today" he says as he fist pumps the air like a kid who has just been told he's moving to Disneyland.

Suddenly, I had images of him running around the playground telling everyone and anyone about virgins and sexing, and then the school ringing me up and asking me to come in so they can make me sitt on one of those tiny little chairs that makes you feel like your ass in ten sizes bigger than it really is, whilst they lecture me about inappropriate playground conversation and all that.

"Ahhhh maybe you shouldn't tell anyone at school about this Flynn" I said with more than a hint of desperation in my voice.

"Why?" was his predictable reply.

"Because it's a special surprise that your friend's Mum and Dads should be telling them and they might get mad at you for ruining the surprise" I explained far more calmly than what I was feeling inside.

"OK." he said as he stuck his scabby elbow in his brother's face and moved on to more normal irritating things.

PHEW!

Crisis diverted. I hope.

All I can do is desperately apologise in advance to any of his friend's mums who are dealing with the "What is a Virgin?" question tonight, and let you know that the first round of drinks at our next school mum's catch up - are totally on me!

Have your kids thrown you for six with a random question on the school run lately? How'd you go with that?