The One Where My Ovaries Shrivel Up and Whimper | Life Love and Hiccups: The One Where My Ovaries Shrivel Up and Whimper

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

The One Where My Ovaries Shrivel Up and Whimper

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My Baby turned eight on the weekend. EIGHT! 

I can practically hear my ovaries shrivelling up like prunes and making little squeaky whimpering noises as they deflate.

Our free spirited little Kombi loving hippy is the youngest of my motley crew, but in my heart he should have been somewhere in the middle of a team of five… at least he would have been had our original ideal of five kids come to life. 

Instead he is the youngest, the final, my last.

Hold me.

Look, please don’t mistake my sookiness as a lack of gratitude in anyway. I am so acutely aware of just how incredibly blessed we are with our three beautiful boys… its just that whether I choose to deny it or not - somewhere deep inside is a little seed of doubt that questions whether I believe I am done for good.

We had a couple of heartbreaking miscarriages along our parenting path. One before our oldest son and one before our middle son and I always wonder about what could have been. 

We also had an ectopic pregnancy before Flynn was born but for some reason I truly believe with all my heart that the baby we lost was actually in fact our free spirited Flynn. Our clumsy little angel who somehow got lost on his way to us the first time around.

Oh man. I need a tissue - I’m getting all emotional here.

Theoretically, if you count the miscarriages, we did actually have the five children we dreamed of. It’s just that two of our children live only in our hearts.

I never really thought of that before I sat down to write this.

Huh!

I like that thought. It feels so right and comforting.

Forgive my melancholy mood today. I get a little sooky like this after every one of the kid’s birthdays and I think it is because even though I am so grateful for every year my children turn, I also feel a sense of helplessness at the lack of control we have over time and how quickly it moves. 

How fast our precious newborns morph into little people with little voices and little personalities and then grow into big people with big ideas and even bigger dreams.

Too fast.

Way too fast.

I’ve been getting kinda sappy lately when I watch those TV commercials about nappies and toddler milk with cute little chubby bubbas with roly poly limbs and smiling gummy smiles at us through the TV screens.

Lately?

Yeah not really - I am ALWAYS sappy when it comes to babies and don't even get me started on how I will go out of my way to be in the checkout queue behind a little munchkin at the supermarket just so I can pull some mushy faces in the hope I am rewarded with one of those heart melting smiles that those little bundles of cuteness are so good at.

Listen to me would you - I’m using words like bundles of cuteness. I have it bad.

I’ve miraculously forgotten about how my own bundle of cuteness did a round house kick into the bathroom door this morning and left a permanent calling card in the shape of a school shoe on the back of the door.

The truth is I kinda always imagined I would have a girl somewhere in the mix of kids. In fact I honestly never for even one moment entertained the idea that I wouldn’t, so I suppose the fact that I have three boys means that there is always going to be a part of me that feels ... I don't know... kind of incomplete?

It’s not a place of ungratefulness that thought comes from. It’s just the way I feel and it is what it is and nothing more or nothing less.

Given the cobwebs and closed for business sign that now hangs on my uterus, maybe it will be left to a granddaughter in the future to fill that little gap. 

Who knows?

Until then, I plan on soaking up every precious moment and milestone of this goofy little guy and his two trusty sidekicks.


How many kids did you or do you dream of having? 
Or are you happy to leave it up to fate?
Do you think we women ever really feel completely done when it comes to having children?