You can actually knit this cranky uterus with instructions here
I just thought I had better lead with that so you know up front that it is very possible that I could turn from calm to stabby within the space of a paragraph.
I know that seems like a rather extreme range of emotions for such a short little blog post, but given one of my children so nicely put it to me this morning "geez mum, sometimes you are just so unpredictable", I figure I should probably come with a warning.
I like to think that he meant that I am unpredictably surprising - you know, in a fun and spontaneous kind of way and all that, but chance are I'm clutching at straws there since when he said this to me - I had just finished yelling "Get your darn shoes on already" and then in pretty much the same breath I yelled "Don't you even think about putting those muddy shoes on in the house".
I was tempted to try and explain myself to him and give him the prepackaged spiel about the unfairness of being a female and having what feels like a billion little miners stabbing your uterus with picks and shovels for 2 or 3 days every month whilst the world plots against you... but I didn't, because that's the type of response they would have been expecting from me and so instead I shocked the shit out of them with some friendly ruffling of the vocal one's hair and doling out $2 bucks to each of them to buy iceblocks at school.
How you like that kids?
Who are YOU calling unpredictable?
Granted, I do often surprise even myself with how moody the premenstrual has become these days, and theoretically they aren't actually wrong in calling me "unpredictable"... in fact I think calling me unpredictable is a much nicer than hearing him yell "Everyone run, mum's turned into a cranky mole again."
Do you think it's an age thing?
Do you think our premenstrual fuse thingy gets shorter with every candle we add to the cake?
Is it possible that we can run out of fuse and therefor just spontaneously kind of combust with premenstrual rage?
I must admit, I even surprise myself at times with my scale of unpredictability and the supermarket is undoubtedly the number one place to test my limits.
It's like I have an outer body experience when I'm there. I kind of float above myself, watching my every move, nibbling my nails with nervous trepidation as I wait for what will possibly unfold.
I spot myself below, I'm cruising down the aisle with my wonky trolley and I stop in front of the packs of pasta to peruse my choices when suddenly... this woman walks directly in front of me and stands between me and the packets of pasta.
Shit, SHIT! This could go one of two ways...
The patient me could just wait for the pushy intruder to move on and then pick back up where I left off with the pasta or...
The 'unpredictable moody moley me' could stand there sighing heavily,
Ewwww, yes I confess that has actually come out of my mouth before, but in my defense I had the WORST cramps of my life, 3 misbehaving kids playing handball in the next aisle and.... well it was kind of rude of the insolent cow don't you think?
Probably not called for huh?
WHAT E .V. E. RRRRRRR
I'm not always that bad when my uterus is having spasms.
There was the time recently where I was particularly crampy and we had no food in the house, school the next day and I had NO CHOICE but to put society at risk and head to the supermarket.
It just so happened that this particular day, the checkout lady decided to let not one but TWO people go ahead of me in the queue because they only had a couple of items and I had a trolley so full I practically needed a second mortgage to pay for (note to self: do not shop when you are hormonal).
The cranky premenstrual moley me would have made a fuss and had a mini meltdown over the injustice of it all, but the unpredictable me not only smiled and waved them through, I even let a THIRD guy go ahead AND I helped him put his whole basket of stuff on the conveyor belt for him.
Bloody hell I even surprised myself with that one.
Sheesh, the kids might be on to something... I AM kind of unpredictable at this time of the month.
The only safe thing for me to do is sit in bed with a box of Frosty fruits and watch reality TV until this passes right?
Are you a moody unpredictable mole at 'that time of the month' or are you pretty much even keeled?