A lot has been going on around here lately, which kind of goes part of the way to explain my lack of presence here on the blog and around the traps.
For starters - baby turned nine... NINE.
Pardon the potty talk but how the fuck did that happen?
In my head I am still on the right side of 30 and certainly not old enough to have a baby who is flipping nine!
He's growing up fast this one and has had some hurdles he's had to deal with of late, and whilst he teaches a lot about how little patience I have, he has also taught me - the one who is supposed to be the mature adult - about how important courage and resilience and forgiveness is.
He shared his birthday with Easter this year and his cake request was a big old fruity pav .
Done. and with a bonus chocolate Easter rabbit on top for extra good mum points... because I'm kind of needy like that.
He seemed to pause longer on his candle blow wish this year, putting his whole body into it as though he could somehow force it to come true.
I don't know what he wished for, I mean you're not supposed to ask right in case you jinx it. or something, but whatever it was, I sure hope it comes true for him.
I'm on a bit of a mission at the moment to slow things down in my life.
You know, move through my days less like a rabid zombie and maybe a little more like a stoned turtle... except without the stoned bit and the big ass shell on my back.
OK maybe a stoned turtle wasn't the best choice.
I want to stick my nose in some roses and spend more time with the people I love and have more time to do more of the happy things in life.
Don;t get me wrong, I'm not complaining and I am well aware how very blessed I am to be able to make a living doing things I love to do... but I do need to learn how to switch off a little more and not always feel like I have to be doing something.
Shutting up and sitting still is not something I am very good at because as soon my brain is quiet for any period of time, its starts thinking and planning and spitting out ideas again.
It's very noisy in my balayaged head you know?!
Speaking of balayage... I'm kind of getting used to it. My two toned head I mean.
I still feel like a bit of a fraud who is walking around with dark greasy roots but my kids gave it a tick and even went so far to say it is sort of cool and if you knew just how hard it is to earn even a 'sort of cool' badge from my self appointed cool captains, then you'd get why there was a bit of fist pumping going on from my end.
I've been thinking about my word I chose for this year which was 'change' and I'm not quite where I would have liked to have been by this time with it.
I'm working on changes in so many different areas of myself and my life so I guess I just have to give it time and keep on persevering.
I've had some wins though... I'm sure as hell getting better at standing up for myself and the word 'no' is getting easier to say.
That being said, I haven't yet addressed the fitness and weight loss I want to tackle, nor have I retrained my sleeping habits and as for introducing more balance to my life... well balance is the something I have still yet to master.
I feel like I am constantly trying to check things off my to do list, a list that seems to replenish itself twice over every time I manage to strike something off it.
But here's the thing - the harder I try and clear that list and slow things down, the busier I seem to get and the more I end up adding to that list.
Then I start stressing about time, and how I'm going to fit it all in, and then guilt rises up, gives me a little upper cut and tells me I am selfish or my priorities are all wrong.
And so I lie awake at night making more lists in my head and planning how I can fit more into a day and then insomnia kicks in and I can't get to sleep and I get the shits as I start counting minutes until I have to get up and ...... SHHHHHUDDDDUP!!!
Do you ever feel like that though?
Like the more you try and slow down, the more some sort of unseen force shoves you from behind, making you go faster and faster when all you really want to do is .... stop, even just for a little while.
Do you force yourself to stop?
If so please tell me how the sweet baby cheeses you manage that?
Ok, that's quite enough dribble from me... for today.
There's loads more in the thought bucket and for the first time in a long time my fingers are itching to keep writing.
That's also one of the things I want to change - the frequency in which I write here on my blog.
I want to write more, and I want more time to write and so I'm going with a formula which might actually mean I write less but more often.
I want to go back to giving myself that time each day to sit down and write and to spill my thoughts without over thinking it so much.
One of the things I wrote about in my 'When blogging gets too hard' post late last year was how easy it is to fall into the trap of over thinking about what you write.
I'm over that - the over thinking part I mean.
It just took me a while to realise that the over thinking was actually the reason why my thoughts and words weren't flowing.
Clearly I'm a little slow to the game but I now know that I'm the one in charge of my overthinking and I let myself down by over thinking everything too bloody much.
Well blow me down with a feather - I said 'enough of the dribbling' and here I am still spewing it out.
Sorry about that.
Anyways, how are you doing?
Are you working on any change?
Do you over think when you write, when you talk or about everything in general?