For the first time in my life I am scared.... really truly scared right down to my toenails.
Last Friday I received some news relating to my health that literally knocked me for six. I tried to deal with it with humour, which is typically the way that I handle these things, but the truth is that was all just a farce I put on to make me feel braver than what I was really feeling.
They say laughter is the best medicine and I truly believe that with all my heart. But over the weekend as I had time to reflect on it all, every last trace of humour relating to the situation seemed to dissipate before my eyes and I was left with nothing but hard cold fear.
Humour has failed me at a time when I need it the most.
I wont go into too much detail at the moment in regards to what is going on if that's ok, because the truth is I don't yet have all the answers. For now it is a waiting game and my fate lies in the hands of pathologists who will take up to two weeks to deliver me the full facts of what we are dealing with.
Do you know how slowly every minute of every hour of every day of those two weeks is going to tick by?
Common sense tells me to be positive, think positive, stay positive. But it is hard, so damn hard.
I am a big believer in signs and everywhere I look are signs that I don't want to see and I know it is my head and my fear messing with me but I cant help but go to that awful place of "what if?".
I spent the weekend googling, even though my Dr told me not too. But come on, I am the Google Queen, it is just what I do. I read pages upon pages and visited forums where other women were discussing their own situation and whenever I read something I didn't like, I immediately clicked away and went searching for another page that would bring me more hope.
The outcome itself is not what I fear so much.... I don't think so anyway. In my mind I can see myself putting my big girl undies on and just doing what I need to do.
It is the limbo stage, the waiting and the not knowing that is truly the most agonising part and I worry that it will suck any last drop of positivity out of my bloodstream.
It is hard for my husband Carl. To him, I have always been the strongest most positive person he knows and last night as I sat on the couch next to him and through tears upon tears told him of all my fears, he asked me where his positive girl has gone.
I don't know where she is.
She, just like humour, seems to have abandoned me when I need her the most.
I know what I would say to someone else in this situation. I would tell them to keep busy, do positive affirmations, surround yourself with loved ones and do things you love to do to keep your mind from straying to those unhelpful dark places. But the truth is, right at this moment I cant find much joy in anything and I don't want to be around those that I love because I don't want them to see me like this.
I kind of just want to curl up into a little ball, go to sleep and have someone wake me up when they have some news for me.
Sometimes the hardest medicine to swallow is that of your own, and the hardest advice to take is the advice you would give to someone else.
We will do this, we will get through this.
I just need to find that positive girl my husband knows so well.
Have you ever had to wait for life changing news?
How did you get through the waiting period?
Please PLEASE make me laugh again.