Having been on this diet for 5 weeks now, I am beginning to calm down and my emotional outbursts are beginning to plateau. I no longer want to punch someone in the mouth when they offer me a plate of cheese or a Pina Colada and I think my husband may even tell you he feels a little safer than he did a few weeks ago.
Oh, its not easy and trust me there is still a part of me that would like to twist the earlobes of anyone that dares to eat a bacon and egg sandwich in front of me, but there are improvements.
Now I know with us women it can be very dangerous territory as we could pretty much be on a diet on any day of the week, such is the way we are.
So in the interest of public safety I have complied a list that will help you identify if someone you live with is on a diet and some strategies that could very well be the key to your survival.
How To Live With a Woman On a Diet and Survive
1. From time to time you may notice a very strange almost excitable gleam in her eye. Don't get excited - you are not about to get lucky. She needs to poop.
When you spy her weighing herself only moments after the said poop, DO NOT make any comments. Yes it may seem a little odd that women on diets get very excited about doing a number 2 but hey any weight loss is a win. Act completely normal. You DID NOT SEE ANYTHING ... OK!
2. If you are asked for just one incy wincy bite of your chicken kebab, DO NOT pass judgment.
A word of advice if you ever find yourself in this situation - Just shut up and hand it over. When she does the bolt with your kebab, don't attempt to chase her and never speak of it again. Accept your fate and just give it up, that kebab aint coming back!
3. When she is eating a piece of bread, she may or may not make the same sound one would imagine an orgasmic hyena would make.
Just ignore the commotion and carry on with whatever it is you were doing prior to the assault on your ears. It is a typical reaction to contra ban carbs.
4. You may notice that she is watching you eat every mouthful of your spaghetti bolognese like she is about to stab you with your own fork and strangle you with your noodles. DON'T PANIC!
She may also attempt to lick the garlic butter from your chin as you eat your garlic bread. Don't make any sudden moves. Just pretend this is all in a typical day and you should be OK.
5. A dieting woman's wardrobe may look like is has been ransacked by a gang of fashion Ninjas. The floor could possibly be covered in what is commonly referred to as 'Skinny Clothes'.
It is OK, your home has not been invaded, it is just the result of a fitting frenzy as the dieting woman has tried on the clothes to see if they fit her yet. If you look carefully you may spy her rocking in the corner mumbling something about inaccurate Freaking sizes in this country.
Just quietly back away and no harm shall come to you.
6. You may find packets of Gummy bears or red licorice hidden throughout your home - under computer keyboards, in bedside drawers, and behind pot plants. Do not hold them up for everyone to see.
Just remove the empty packets that have been stuffed into the toes of your shoes and continue on your way.
7. The screaming and crashing from the bathroom IS NOT cause for alarm, it is merely the weekly weigh in.
Calmly grab your car keys and the children and head to the nearest Kmart for a new set of scales. Don't expect any thank yous, just leave the new scales outside the bathroom door and act as though that didn't just happen.
8. DO NOT suggest your female companion may benefit from some more exercise and that you would be happy to spot her as she lifts some weights. It is a very painful exercise to remove that dumbbell from your rectum.
9. Do not ask her if it is 'That Time of The Month'. Just shut up and resign to the fact that it is going to feel like 'That Time of The Month' every frigging day she is on her diet.
10. Accept that there will be additional charges on the credit card bill this month.
It is therapy ... for her. And yes Country Road and IKEA are legitimate therapeutic services.
You may want to do a community service good deed and share this resource of information with oh say EVERY MAN YOU KNOW!!!
Have you any other tips that may help us protect the men that live with a dieting woman?